Why More Songs Don't Start With the Sound of Shattering Glass

Go listen to that song, because Billy Joel got it right. Why don't more songs start with the sound of shattering glass? That sound is awesome! It seems to say "hey you, take me seriously." And indeed I do. The song screams 80s, but it also screams fun, intensity, and a certain amount of tackiness that is just right. Here are some songs that I think could be improved with an introductory sound of shattering glass:

Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On
Is the shattering glass the sound of windows breaking as the Titanic sinks? No, it's the sound of a power ballad. You better listen.

Danity Kane - Damaged
How do you make a bad song better? By adding shattered glass.

A-ha - Take On Me
The sound of shattering glass is actually the sound of your eardrums bursting, because you are now listening to the greatest song ever. End of story.

Why People Have Alter Egos

I don't understand why people have alter egos. Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, Beyonce/Sasha Fierce, Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines. (Do you remember that? Garth Brooks as Chris Gaines...what a hot mess. But that's a blog post for another time.) Anyway, it seems unnecessary to have an alter ego. It makes sense for superheroes, but not for ordinary people. For ordinary people, that's just called schizophrenia. But I guess celebrities are in between ordinary citizens and superheroes, so they get these special privileges.

For Beyonce, it's about losing inhibition and becoming a fierce on-stage performer. If I had an alter ego, I'd want to be fierce too. Then maybe I would automatically know how to dance, cause right now, doing the Running Man just isn't attracting the right kind of guys.

At the same time, I would want to be like Clark Kent, who, when his alter ego Superman comes out, gets to wear tights. How awesome would it be to wear a skintight outfit with a cape in broad daylight, without being judged? It would be really awesome, that's what.

I guess when it comes down to it, ordinary people shouldn't have alter egos. They probably can't handle the responsibility that comes with it. I, for one, would want to be a fierce dancing stage performer who wears skintight outfits and is loved while doing so. Oh wait, I think my alter ego is Lady Gaga.

How I Lived Before Tina Fey

Dear Tina Fey,

I don't understand how I ever lived without you. I don't remember laughing before you came along, and if I did, it was probably a dry, hoarse laugh that caused me physical pain. Thank you for being funny and curing me of it - I guess laughter really is the best medicine. (I'm sorry if that last sentence made you want to vomit. It made me want to vomit a little too.) Anyway, I wanted to thank you for being the most lovable nerd ever, and for making me question my sexuality because I have a girl-crush on you. I can't tell if I want to be you or if I want to be with you. And with that, my letter has turned from heartfelt to mildly obsessed. I'll stop before it gets any worse. In conclusion, please keep being funny, and I'll continue to stay at least 200 feet away from you at all times.

All my love,
Mallory