Why People Don't Plan Their Own Funerals

Death is a touchy subject. A lot of people don't want to think about it, which is why many don't give a lot of thought to their own funerals. Should I, however, die an untimely death (knock on wood), I'm at least going to go out with a bang. If my funeral is the last thing I do on earth, then you know it's gonna be good. Below are explicit instructions for my funeral.

1. My sister must put an "In loving memory of..." sticker on her sleek, racing-type car. It will say "In loving memory of Mallory"...in Comic Sans font. Hahaha.

2. During the funeral, there will be an open bar.

3. My grandmother will do a dramatic reading of Ke$ha's "Tik Tok." My favorite part (were I alive to see this) would be when she says "errybody gettin' crunk/boys tryin' to touch my junk/I'm gonna smack him if he's gettin' too drunk." It will be hilarious.

4. A children's choir will sing "Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar. Because love really is a battlefield, and I don't want you to forget it just because I died. And, if it's not too expensive, I would like an accompanying sign language dance. This will be the part of the funeral where everyone starts crying.

5. I would like to be buried wearing something summery and light. Cause you know it's gonna be hot where I end up...

And that's it. Not too much to ask, right? I hope you're now thinking about your own funerals (but not in a creepy way).