Why Resumes Have To Be So Professional

I have a lot of friends who are worried about getting jobs. They have to worry about finding the right company, interviews, and, importantly, their resumes. But why do resumes have to be so dry and professional? Often they don't tell a lot or enough about you. My friend once said that if she put her real interests on a resume, it would read "Britney Spears, drinking, and shopping." In honor of her, and for all of those out there who are looking for jobs and stressing over resumes, I present a resume that shows the real me.

Name: Mallory aka Mal Pal aka Mallorian aka Moosh (like mushu pork...really, this is a nickname my dad gave me)

Objective: To be hired in your company and make lots of money.

Education: was expensive.

Experience: When I meditated on the summit of Mt. Everest and contemplated my existence. That was probably my favorite experience ever.

Skills: Tanning, celebrity knowledge, and dusting. I'm really good at dusting things.

Interests: Drinking, lying down (I'm too lazy to sit up, even as I type this), and judging people.

Now who wants to hire me?! Don't everyone raise their hands at once.