Why More Songs Don't Start With the Sound of Shattering Glass

Go listen to that song, because Billy Joel got it right. Why don't more songs start with the sound of shattering glass? That sound is awesome! It seems to say "hey you, take me seriously." And indeed I do. The song screams 80s, but it also screams fun, intensity, and a certain amount of tackiness that is just right. Here are some songs that I think could be improved with an introductory sound of shattering glass:

Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On
Is the shattering glass the sound of windows breaking as the Titanic sinks? No, it's the sound of a power ballad. You better listen.

Danity Kane - Damaged
How do you make a bad song better? By adding shattered glass.

A-ha - Take On Me
The sound of shattering glass is actually the sound of your eardrums bursting, because you are now listening to the greatest song ever. End of story.

Why People Have Alter Egos

I don't understand why people have alter egos. Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, Beyonce/Sasha Fierce, Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines. (Do you remember that? Garth Brooks as Chris Gaines...what a hot mess. But that's a blog post for another time.) Anyway, it seems unnecessary to have an alter ego. It makes sense for superheroes, but not for ordinary people. For ordinary people, that's just called schizophrenia. But I guess celebrities are in between ordinary citizens and superheroes, so they get these special privileges.

For Beyonce, it's about losing inhibition and becoming a fierce on-stage performer. If I had an alter ego, I'd want to be fierce too. Then maybe I would automatically know how to dance, cause right now, doing the Running Man just isn't attracting the right kind of guys.

At the same time, I would want to be like Clark Kent, who, when his alter ego Superman comes out, gets to wear tights. How awesome would it be to wear a skintight outfit with a cape in broad daylight, without being judged? It would be really awesome, that's what.

I guess when it comes down to it, ordinary people shouldn't have alter egos. They probably can't handle the responsibility that comes with it. I, for one, would want to be a fierce dancing stage performer who wears skintight outfits and is loved while doing so. Oh wait, I think my alter ego is Lady Gaga.

How I Lived Before Tina Fey

Dear Tina Fey,

I don't understand how I ever lived without you. I don't remember laughing before you came along, and if I did, it was probably a dry, hoarse laugh that caused me physical pain. Thank you for being funny and curing me of it - I guess laughter really is the best medicine. (I'm sorry if that last sentence made you want to vomit. It made me want to vomit a little too.) Anyway, I wanted to thank you for being the most lovable nerd ever, and for making me question my sexuality because I have a girl-crush on you. I can't tell if I want to be you or if I want to be with you. And with that, my letter has turned from heartfelt to mildly obsessed. I'll stop before it gets any worse. In conclusion, please keep being funny, and I'll continue to stay at least 200 feet away from you at all times.

All my love,
Mallory

Denim on Denim Outfits

Britney and Justin in better? worse? times

Oh 1990s, look what you did to us. You made us wear denim on denim outfits. And it was so mean of you. I must admit I don't understand the appeal of outfits like this, and I hope you don't either. Thank goodness this trend died out.

Or did it? Why, in this day and age, do some people still insist on wearing denim on denim outfits? Maybe they don't go so far as to wear a denim cowboy hat, but a denim jacket over jeans is still pretty close. Especially light-wash denim. God forbid you bust out the light-wash denim!

I think our resolution for next year, and all subsequent years, should be to remove all denim on denim outfits from existence. In 2010, resist the urge to match your new jeans with your favorite denim jacket. After all, that was so 1999.

Where Dove Chocolates Get Their Sayings From

You know how Dove Promises candies have sayings on the inside of the wrapper? Like on Valentine's Day, they have cute or romantic sayings that just make you go "aww!" Well I found out that they also have sayings on the fall edition of Dove Promises. And they don't make you go "aww." They're more like "what?"

A sample of the ones I got recently:

"Fly kites in an azure blue sky."

"The wind tells a story, listen."

Are there tears in your eyes yet? What the heck is this! Are we in Pocahontas? Are these supposed to brighten my day? I'm so confused. Dove, if you really want to make fall edition sayings, maybe you should try these:

"Who doesn't love pumpkins!"

"Those leaves aren't going to rake themselves..."

"Bitch, stop eating. It's not time to hibernate yet."

On second thought, maybe Dove's sayings are ok. At least they're not offensive.

Why Winking Is Considered Attractive

Winking, when done correctly, can be flirtatious and attractive. Look at Lindsay, pre-fame/drugs/everything else. She's so cute! And she's winking! But how did winking ever come to be considered attractive in the first place?

If you think about it, winking is sort of like a facial tic. And put in those terms, it doesn't sound so appealing. A wink is very brief, easy to miss, and it's not even necessary for our survival. Blinking is necessary, but winking is not. And, when done incorrectly, winks can lead to a whole hot mess. I have a friend who, when not winking, is super cute. But when she winks...gurrl that's another story. As much as she tries, her face takes on the funniest shape, and it is the last thing from sexy that I've ever seen.

So if you still choose to wink, go for it. Especially if you can do it well. If not, then maybe you should just stick to blinking ;)

Why You Would Think To Eat A Crab

Look at this thing. If you saw it crawling around in the sand, with its ferocious claws, hard exoskeleton, and beady little eyes, you wouldn't think to approach it. Much less eat it. But yet that's what many people around the world do. And I don't understand why.

Don't get me wrong, crab is delicious. And unless you're like my sister, who is allergic to crab, and in which case I must say I'm sorry for your loss, you probably enjoy eating it. But it just weirds me out that someone would think to eat it in the first place. It's sort of frightening, really.

In any case, what's done is done. Crab isn't scary, and it's tasty. So the next time you're enjoying your crab, possibly wearing a bib, take a moment to think about those first brave souls who discovered that crab was edible. They were pretty fucking fantastic people. And then dig in.