If you ever got to the 64-pack of Crayola crayons, you know what I'm talking about. Where does Crayola come up with "Purple Mountain's Majesty" or "Tickle Me Pink"? Cute, but not very descriptive. Or maybe too descriptive to be helpful, I'm not sure which. In any case, did you know that there are other, more ridiculous color names? Here are a few of my favorites:
Antique Brass - you know, for old people that still like to color.
Banana Mania - this is the color of the inside of a banana, not the outside. Confusing, I know.
Beaver - wait, what?
Bittersweet - a pinkish color. This name isn't helpful at all, and frankly, it's a little depressing.
Inchworm - a greenish color. Gross.
Outer Space - color reminiscent of a black hole. Oh wait, then that'd be the color BLACK.
Ok ok I think you get my point. These color names may be confusing, but they're still fun. I'd like to be the person that comes up with these. I know I could think of something more descriptive than "Neon Carrot".
Sometimes I think abbrevs are defs totes ridic. Mayb they're useful, but obv they're hard to read, esp if you're over 40 years old or if you understand proper English. I get where abbrevs came from (I'm looking at you, internet), but I don't understand why they sometimes make life more difficult than it should be. Case in point, a story about misinterpreted abbrevs (btdubs, this is my fave):
My dad once got an email from a coworker that ended with LOL. Not knowing what it meant, he interpreted it as "lots of love." So the next time he emailed his coworker, he wrote "hugs and kisses." The guy never emailed him back.
That was totes adorbs. But in the future, let's try not to let these things happen again, for everyone's sake. Thx.
With finals coming up, it's really easy to procrastinate. Work piles up, and there's little hope of finishing everything you have to do. As one of my friends put it, the best way to deal with a lot of work is to not do it. I agree. Unfortunately, this plan of action may result in lower grades, lower self-esteem, and increased disappointment from your Asian parents.
I'm not here to tell you how to get more work done, because I have no idea how to do that. And honestly, sometimes doing work is boring. Instead, I present to you some of my favorite procrastination methods:
Facebook stalking - can't go wrong with this one. Spend hours looking at pictures of people who are more attractive than you, and homework will soon be the least of your worries.
Drinking - preferably early in the day. Happy hour starts when you say it does.
Learning a trade, such as quilting - if you're gonna learn something that's not homework related, at least make it life related.
Exercising - some people enjoy this.
Watching tv online - more people enjoy this.
Hanging out with friends - is it bad that this is the last thing on my list?
Whatever you choose to do, have fun with it. I know I do. My quilting skills have improved considerably upon coming to college.
I hate to say it, but this woman's irrational fear of cotton balls is hilarious. Debilitating, yes. Ridiculous, double yes. But why do people have irrational fears anyway?
I'll admit that I have my own share of irrational fears. I can't get close to lizards/salamanders/waterdogs or I will run in the opposite direction. And if you know me, then anything that actually gets me to run is a pretty strong force. (Don't know what a waterdog is? It's a juvenile salamander. Go look it up. I won't do it for you, because I'll barf if I see a picture of one.) This fear is completely irrational too, as I am much larger than a lizard. What could a lizard do to me? It could lick me, that's what. Anyway, I have friends with other irrational fears, like spiders, holes, and barnacles. But not all at the same time, thankfully.
Until I solve the mystery of what creates an irrational fear, I'll just have to deal with mine. This means avoiding the reptile house at zoos, not reading books about lizards, and not visiting the desert anytime soon. Can do.
Oh and by the way, here's the most disgusting picture of a waterdog I've ever seen. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Aww, look at those cute little airplanes. Did he make those himself? Actually, they're real airplanes, and this is a real picture. This is an example of tilt-shift photography. Maybe you've heard of it, but if you're like me, and live in a bubble consisting of homework and celebrity gossip, then maybe you haven't.
I don't understand how tilt-shift photography works, but it's really cool. Everything looks like a miniature scene, but everything is real. Mind-blowing!! Click the link for more.
I have a lot of friends who are worried about getting jobs. They have to worry about finding the right company, interviews, and, importantly, their resumes. But why do resumes have to be so dry and professional? Often they don't tell a lot or enough about you. My friend once said that if she put her real interests on a resume, it would read "Britney Spears, drinking, and shopping." In honor of her, and for all of those out there who are looking for jobs and stressing over resumes, I present a resume that shows the real me.
Name: Mallory aka Mal Pal aka Mallorian aka Moosh (like mushu pork...really, this is a nickname my dad gave me)
Objective: To be hired in your company and make lots of money.
Education: was expensive.
Experience: When I meditated on the summit of Mt. Everest and contemplated my existence. That was probably my favorite experience ever.
Skills: Tanning, celebrity knowledge, and dusting. I'm really good at dusting things.
Interests: Drinking, lying down (I'm too lazy to sit up, even as I type this), and judging people.
Now who wants to hire me?! Don't everyone raise their hands at once.
Death is a touchy subject. A lot of people don't want to think about it, which is why many don't give a lot of thought to their own funerals. Should I, however, die an untimely death (knock on wood), I'm at least going to go out with a bang. If my funeral is the last thing I do on earth, then you know it's gonna be good. Below are explicit instructions for my funeral.
1. My sister must put an "In loving memory of..." sticker on her sleek, racing-type car. It will say "In loving memory of Mallory"...in Comic Sans font. Hahaha.
2. During the funeral, there will be an open bar.
3. My grandmother will do a dramatic reading of Ke$ha's "Tik Tok." My favorite part (were I alive to see this) would be when she says "errybody gettin' crunk/boys tryin' to touch my junk/I'm gonna smack him if he's gettin' too drunk." It will be hilarious.
4. A children's choir will sing "Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar. Because love really is a battlefield, and I don't want you to forget it just because I died. And, if it's not too expensive, I would like an accompanying sign language dance. This will be the part of the funeral where everyone starts crying.
5. I would like to be buried wearing something summery and light. Cause you know it's gonna be hot where I end up...
And that's it. Not too much to ask, right? I hope you're now thinking about your own funerals (but not in a creepy way).
There are several people I know whose picture I could post here, and all of those people HAVE NO VOLUME CONTROL. And I love it. I may not understand it, but I love it.
When I was a kid, I learned about "inside voices" and "outside voices." You use your quieter inside voice when you're inside a building, and you use your outside voice on the playground, where you are less likely to damage someone's eardrums by yelling. Unfortunately, some people never learned about the inside voice part and instead (to this day) have only one volume when speaking: loud.
Usually this isn't a problem. But sometimes it is. For example, job interviews don't go so well when you think it is SO NICE TO MEET the interviewer. Or when that girl you don't like sits nearby, and OMG COULD HER SHIRT BE ANY SMALLER I THINK SHE BOUGHT THAT FROM BABY GAP. Or when your mom drops you off at school and BYE HONEY MAKE NEW FRIENDS DON'T BE SO ANTISOCIAL TODAY. These things should be said much quieter for a better effect.
That being said, though, I think it is highly amusing (though sometimes very embarrassing) to have friends with no volume control. It helps when you're talking to people that are hard of hearing. It helps when you're talking in noisy areas. It helps when your intended listener is fashionably challenged, or, unfortunately, antisocial. We get the hint - just a little louder than intended.
You may be wondering why I titled this post "Why I'm Not 'Friends' With This Girl: Ellie Kemper." Why the quotation marks around the word "friends"? Does this imply that you wouldn't actually be friends with her?
Yes, it does imply that. Because in order for me to befriend her, it would involve stalking her and forcing her to participate in mostly one-sided conversations with me. Is that what friends do? (No really, is it? Because now I'm not sure how many actual "friends" I have.)
For evidence of Ellie Kemper's humor, and evidence that she would, indeed, laugh at my jokes (in this hypothetical world I live in), please see the links below. And if Ellie Kemper is reading this right now, please call me up so I don't have to stalk you. I'll treat you to lunch and even let you get a word in from time to time. That's what friends do.
