I have a lot of friends who are worried about getting jobs. They have to worry about finding the right company, interviews, and, importantly, their resumes. But why do resumes have to be so dry and professional? Often they don't tell a lot or enough about you. My friend once said that if she put her real interests on a resume, it would read "Britney Spears, drinking, and shopping." In honor of her, and for all of those out there who are looking for jobs and stressing over resumes, I present a resume that shows the real me.
Name: Mallory aka Mal Pal aka Mallorian aka Moosh (like mushu pork...really, this is a nickname my dad gave me)
Objective: To be hired in your company and make lots of money.
Education: was expensive.
Experience: When I meditated on the summit of Mt. Everest and contemplated my existence. That was probably my favorite experience ever.
Skills: Tanning, celebrity knowledge, and dusting. I'm really good at dusting things.
Interests: Drinking, lying down (I'm too lazy to sit up, even as I type this), and judging people.
Now who wants to hire me?! Don't everyone raise their hands at once.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Why People Don't Plan Their Own Funerals
Death is a touchy subject. A lot of people don't want to think about it, which is why many don't give a lot of thought to their own funerals. Should I, however, die an untimely death (knock on wood), I'm at least going to go out with a bang. If my funeral is the last thing I do on earth, then you know it's gonna be good. Below are explicit instructions for my funeral.
1. My sister must put an "In loving memory of..." sticker on her sleek, racing-type car. It will say "In loving memory of Mallory"...in Comic Sans font. Hahaha.
2. During the funeral, there will be an open bar.
3. My grandmother will do a dramatic reading of Ke$ha's "Tik Tok." My favorite part (were I alive to see this) would be when she says "errybody gettin' crunk/boys tryin' to touch my junk/I'm gonna smack him if he's gettin' too drunk." It will be hilarious.
4. A children's choir will sing "Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar. Because love really is a battlefield, and I don't want you to forget it just because I died. And, if it's not too expensive, I would like an accompanying sign language dance. This will be the part of the funeral where everyone starts crying.
5. I would like to be buried wearing something summery and light. Cause you know it's gonna be hot where I end up...
And that's it. Not too much to ask, right? I hope you're now thinking about your own funerals (but not in a creepy way).
1. My sister must put an "In loving memory of..." sticker on her sleek, racing-type car. It will say "In loving memory of Mallory"...in Comic Sans font. Hahaha.
2. During the funeral, there will be an open bar.
3. My grandmother will do a dramatic reading of Ke$ha's "Tik Tok." My favorite part (were I alive to see this) would be when she says "errybody gettin' crunk/boys tryin' to touch my junk/I'm gonna smack him if he's gettin' too drunk." It will be hilarious.
4. A children's choir will sing "Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar. Because love really is a battlefield, and I don't want you to forget it just because I died. And, if it's not too expensive, I would like an accompanying sign language dance. This will be the part of the funeral where everyone starts crying.
5. I would like to be buried wearing something summery and light. Cause you know it's gonna be hot where I end up...
And that's it. Not too much to ask, right? I hope you're now thinking about your own funerals (but not in a creepy way).
Sunday, January 3, 2010
People Who Have No Volume Control
There are several people I know whose picture I could post here, and all of those people HAVE NO VOLUME CONTROL. And I love it. I may not understand it, but I love it.
When I was a kid, I learned about "inside voices" and "outside voices." You use your quieter inside voice when you're inside a building, and you use your outside voice on the playground, where you are less likely to damage someone's eardrums by yelling. Unfortunately, some people never learned about the inside voice part and instead (to this day) have only one volume when speaking: loud.
Usually this isn't a problem. But sometimes it is. For example, job interviews don't go so well when you think it is SO NICE TO MEET the interviewer. Or when that girl you don't like sits nearby, and OMG COULD HER SHIRT BE ANY SMALLER I THINK SHE BOUGHT THAT FROM BABY GAP. Or when your mom drops you off at school and BYE HONEY MAKE NEW FRIENDS DON'T BE SO ANTISOCIAL TODAY. These things should be said much quieter for a better effect.
That being said, though, I think it is highly amusing (though sometimes very embarrassing) to have friends with no volume control. It helps when you're talking to people that are hard of hearing. It helps when you're talking in noisy areas. It helps when your intended listener is fashionably challenged, or, unfortunately, antisocial. We get the hint - just a little louder than intended.
When I was a kid, I learned about "inside voices" and "outside voices." You use your quieter inside voice when you're inside a building, and you use your outside voice on the playground, where you are less likely to damage someone's eardrums by yelling. Unfortunately, some people never learned about the inside voice part and instead (to this day) have only one volume when speaking: loud.
Usually this isn't a problem. But sometimes it is. For example, job interviews don't go so well when you think it is SO NICE TO MEET the interviewer. Or when that girl you don't like sits nearby, and OMG COULD HER SHIRT BE ANY SMALLER I THINK SHE BOUGHT THAT FROM BABY GAP. Or when your mom drops you off at school and BYE HONEY MAKE NEW FRIENDS DON'T BE SO ANTISOCIAL TODAY. These things should be said much quieter for a better effect.
That being said, though, I think it is highly amusing (though sometimes very embarrassing) to have friends with no volume control. It helps when you're talking to people that are hard of hearing. It helps when you're talking in noisy areas. It helps when your intended listener is fashionably challenged, or, unfortunately, antisocial. We get the hint - just a little louder than intended.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Why I'm Not "Friends" With This Girl: Ellie Kemper
Ellie KemperYou may be wondering why I titled this post "Why I'm Not 'Friends' With This Girl: Ellie Kemper." Why the quotation marks around the word "friends"? Does this imply that you wouldn't actually be friends with her?
Yes, it does imply that. Because in order for me to befriend her, it would involve stalking her and forcing her to participate in mostly one-sided conversations with me. Is that what friends do? (No really, is it? Because now I'm not sure how many actual "friends" I have.)
For evidence of Ellie Kemper's humor, and evidence that she would, indeed, laugh at my jokes (in this hypothetical world I live in), please see the links below. And if Ellie Kemper is reading this right now, please call me up so I don't have to stalk you. I'll treat you to lunch and even let you get a word in from time to time. That's what friends do.
No-Stress, Low-Fuss, Hassle-Free Summertime Recipes for the Confident, Independent, Self-Sufficient Gal on the Go.
Some Relatively Recent College Grads Discuss Their Maids.
Derrick Comedy: Blowjob Girl
Yes, it does imply that. Because in order for me to befriend her, it would involve stalking her and forcing her to participate in mostly one-sided conversations with me. Is that what friends do? (No really, is it? Because now I'm not sure how many actual "friends" I have.)
For evidence of Ellie Kemper's humor, and evidence that she would, indeed, laugh at my jokes (in this hypothetical world I live in), please see the links below. And if Ellie Kemper is reading this right now, please call me up so I don't have to stalk you. I'll treat you to lunch and even let you get a word in from time to time. That's what friends do.
No-Stress, Low-Fuss, Hassle-Free Summertime Recipes for the Confident, Independent, Self-Sufficient Gal on the Go.
Some Relatively Recent College Grads Discuss Their Maids.
Derrick Comedy: Blowjob Girl
Friday, November 20, 2009
Why More Songs Don't Start With the Sound of Shattering Glass
Go listen to that song, because Billy Joel got it right. Why don't more songs start with the sound of shattering glass? That sound is awesome! It seems to say "hey you, take me seriously." And indeed I do. The song screams 80s, but it also screams fun, intensity, and a certain amount of tackiness that is just right. Here are some songs that I think could be improved with an introductory sound of shattering glass:
Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On
Is the shattering glass the sound of windows breaking as the Titanic sinks? No, it's the sound of a power ballad. You better listen.
Danity Kane - Damaged
How do you make a bad song better? By adding shattered glass.
A-ha - Take On Me
The sound of shattering glass is actually the sound of your eardrums bursting, because you are now listening to the greatest song ever. End of story.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Why People Have Alter Egos
I don't understand why people have alter egos. Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, Beyonce/Sasha Fierce, Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines. (Do you remember that? Garth Brooks as Chris Gaines...what a hot mess. But that's a blog post for another time.) Anyway, it seems unnecessary to have an alter ego. It makes sense for superheroes, but not for ordinary people. For ordinary people, that's just called schizophrenia. But I guess celebrities are in between ordinary citizens and superheroes, so they get these special privileges.
For Beyonce, it's about losing inhibition and becoming a fierce on-stage performer. If I had an alter ego, I'd want to be fierce too. Then maybe I would automatically know how to dance, cause right now, doing the Running Man just isn't attracting the right kind of guys.
At the same time, I would want to be like Clark Kent, who, when his alter ego Superman comes out, gets to wear tights. How awesome would it be to wear a skintight outfit with a cape in broad daylight, without being judged? It would be really awesome, that's what.
I guess when it comes down to it, ordinary people shouldn't have alter egos. They probably can't handle the responsibility that comes with it. I, for one, would want to be a fierce dancing stage performer who wears skintight outfits and is loved while doing so. Oh wait, I think my alter ego is Lady Gaga.
Monday, November 2, 2009
How I Lived Before Tina Fey
Dear Tina Fey,
I don't understand how I ever lived without you. I don't remember laughing before you came along, and if I did, it was probably a dry, hoarse laugh that caused me physical pain. Thank you for being funny and curing me of it - I guess laughter really is the best medicine. (I'm sorry if that last sentence made you want to vomit. It made me want to vomit a little too.) Anyway, I wanted to thank you for being the most lovable nerd ever, and for making me question my sexuality because I have a girl-crush on you. I can't tell if I want to be you or if I want to be with you. And with that, my letter has turned from heartfelt to mildly obsessed. I'll stop before it gets any worse. In conclusion, please keep being funny, and I'll continue to stay at least 200 feet away from you at all times.
All my love,
Mallory
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