Why More Songs Don't Start With the Sound of Shattering Glass

Go listen to that song, because Billy Joel got it right. Why don't more songs start with the sound of shattering glass? That sound is awesome! It seems to say "hey you, take me seriously." And indeed I do. The song screams 80s, but it also screams fun, intensity, and a certain amount of tackiness that is just right. Here are some songs that I think could be improved with an introductory sound of shattering glass:

Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On
Is the shattering glass the sound of windows breaking as the Titanic sinks? No, it's the sound of a power ballad. You better listen.

Danity Kane - Damaged
How do you make a bad song better? By adding shattered glass.

A-ha - Take On Me
The sound of shattering glass is actually the sound of your eardrums bursting, because you are now listening to the greatest song ever. End of story.

Why People Have Alter Egos

I don't understand why people have alter egos. Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, Beyonce/Sasha Fierce, Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines. (Do you remember that? Garth Brooks as Chris Gaines...what a hot mess. But that's a blog post for another time.) Anyway, it seems unnecessary to have an alter ego. It makes sense for superheroes, but not for ordinary people. For ordinary people, that's just called schizophrenia. But I guess celebrities are in between ordinary citizens and superheroes, so they get these special privileges.

For Beyonce, it's about losing inhibition and becoming a fierce on-stage performer. If I had an alter ego, I'd want to be fierce too. Then maybe I would automatically know how to dance, cause right now, doing the Running Man just isn't attracting the right kind of guys.

At the same time, I would want to be like Clark Kent, who, when his alter ego Superman comes out, gets to wear tights. How awesome would it be to wear a skintight outfit with a cape in broad daylight, without being judged? It would be really awesome, that's what.

I guess when it comes down to it, ordinary people shouldn't have alter egos. They probably can't handle the responsibility that comes with it. I, for one, would want to be a fierce dancing stage performer who wears skintight outfits and is loved while doing so. Oh wait, I think my alter ego is Lady Gaga.

How I Lived Before Tina Fey

Dear Tina Fey,

I don't understand how I ever lived without you. I don't remember laughing before you came along, and if I did, it was probably a dry, hoarse laugh that caused me physical pain. Thank you for being funny and curing me of it - I guess laughter really is the best medicine. (I'm sorry if that last sentence made you want to vomit. It made me want to vomit a little too.) Anyway, I wanted to thank you for being the most lovable nerd ever, and for making me question my sexuality because I have a girl-crush on you. I can't tell if I want to be you or if I want to be with you. And with that, my letter has turned from heartfelt to mildly obsessed. I'll stop before it gets any worse. In conclusion, please keep being funny, and I'll continue to stay at least 200 feet away from you at all times.

All my love,
Mallory

Denim on Denim Outfits

Britney and Justin in better? worse? times

Oh 1990s, look what you did to us. You made us wear denim on denim outfits. And it was so mean of you. I must admit I don't understand the appeal of outfits like this, and I hope you don't either. Thank goodness this trend died out.

Or did it? Why, in this day and age, do some people still insist on wearing denim on denim outfits? Maybe they don't go so far as to wear a denim cowboy hat, but a denim jacket over jeans is still pretty close. Especially light-wash denim. God forbid you bust out the light-wash denim!

I think our resolution for next year, and all subsequent years, should be to remove all denim on denim outfits from existence. In 2010, resist the urge to match your new jeans with your favorite denim jacket. After all, that was so 1999.

Where Dove Chocolates Get Their Sayings From

You know how Dove Promises candies have sayings on the inside of the wrapper? Like on Valentine's Day, they have cute or romantic sayings that just make you go "aww!" Well I found out that they also have sayings on the fall edition of Dove Promises. And they don't make you go "aww." They're more like "what?"

A sample of the ones I got recently:

"Fly kites in an azure blue sky."

"The wind tells a story, listen."

Are there tears in your eyes yet? What the heck is this! Are we in Pocahontas? Are these supposed to brighten my day? I'm so confused. Dove, if you really want to make fall edition sayings, maybe you should try these:

"Who doesn't love pumpkins!"

"Those leaves aren't going to rake themselves..."

"Bitch, stop eating. It's not time to hibernate yet."

On second thought, maybe Dove's sayings are ok. At least they're not offensive.

Why Winking Is Considered Attractive

Winking, when done correctly, can be flirtatious and attractive. Look at Lindsay, pre-fame/drugs/everything else. She's so cute! And she's winking! But how did winking ever come to be considered attractive in the first place?

If you think about it, winking is sort of like a facial tic. And put in those terms, it doesn't sound so appealing. A wink is very brief, easy to miss, and it's not even necessary for our survival. Blinking is necessary, but winking is not. And, when done incorrectly, winks can lead to a whole hot mess. I have a friend who, when not winking, is super cute. But when she winks...gurrl that's another story. As much as she tries, her face takes on the funniest shape, and it is the last thing from sexy that I've ever seen.

So if you still choose to wink, go for it. Especially if you can do it well. If not, then maybe you should just stick to blinking ;)

Why You Would Think To Eat A Crab

Look at this thing. If you saw it crawling around in the sand, with its ferocious claws, hard exoskeleton, and beady little eyes, you wouldn't think to approach it. Much less eat it. But yet that's what many people around the world do. And I don't understand why.

Don't get me wrong, crab is delicious. And unless you're like my sister, who is allergic to crab, and in which case I must say I'm sorry for your loss, you probably enjoy eating it. But it just weirds me out that someone would think to eat it in the first place. It's sort of frightening, really.

In any case, what's done is done. Crab isn't scary, and it's tasty. So the next time you're enjoying your crab, possibly wearing a bib, take a moment to think about those first brave souls who discovered that crab was edible. They were pretty fucking fantastic people. And then dig in.

Tom Hanks

aka Tom Mothafuckin Hanks

I don't understand why Tom Hanks is so awesome. He's not your typical Hollywood celebrity, but he's still famous. He's not extremely good-looking, he's not radical in his political views, and he doesn't spend his money on an airplane just so he can name it "Tom Hanks Jr." (Unrelatedly, if I had the money, I'd buy an airplane and name it "Tom Hanks Jr.") And yet, despite his seeming average-ness, he makes consistently good movies, and he is loved by all. In my mind, that totally fulfills some of the requirements for being the second coming of Christ.

But that's beside the point. Tom Hanks is awesome, and there's no avoiding it. One day I will watch a Tom Hanks movie marathon. I think I'm willing to risk having my eyes fall out of my head - whether it's from watching a tv screen for that long, or from crying while watching Tom fall in love with Meg Ryan for the third time. Either way, it'll be worth it. So to Mr. Hanks, I say thank you for making such quality films. Thank you for being awesome. Please continue, as I know I, and many others, will always be watching.

Why People Have Bad Eyebrows

I'd rather not post a picture for this one, just because I don't want to scare you. If you search "bad eyebrows" on Google, you get way more than you bargained for. It seems like a lot of people have bad eyebrows. However, far more people don't quite understand why the pluck this happens.

I also don't know why this happens. Maybe you had a mishap with a tweezers, or possibly a hundred of them, leaving you with nonexistent eyebrows. Or maybe you think that eyebrows shaped like rainbows are a good look for you. Maybe you're going for a drag queen effect (not a valid reason, since many drag queens have perfectly nice eyebrows). In any case, it'd be nice if it stopped some time soon. The problem really is hair-raising.

For everyone's sake, please get to a salon, stat. I promise that if you fix your eyebrows, I'll stop making puns. It's really not tweezy to think of these.

Why It's Physically Impossible to Live Off Of Candy

Photo credit: tristincole.com

My roommates and I have a problem: we can't stop eating candy. With Halloween coming up, we are lured on all sides by giant bags of chocolate. I swear they whisper my name when I walk into the store. Or there are magnets in them that draw me close to them. Or they jump into my hands when I'm not looking. Whatever their secret power is, it's working. I'd say our apartment is made of 10% creaky wood and 15% candy. (Obviously, the other 75% of our apartment is made of love.) And so, with the overabundance of candy in our home, this led my roommate to ask why she can't just live off of candy/sweet things forever. And really, why not?

Candy is indeed delicious, but in the backs of our minds, I guess we realize that it's impossible to live off of sweet things alone. We'd become chocolate-eating monsters that don't get our recommended daily dose of vitamins. We might get diabetes. Or worse, scurvy. It's unfortunate though, because candy can be so good. I guess we'll just have to keep things in moderation, and I'll have to stop myself from buying any kind of candy that catches my eye. As much as we'd like to be chocolate-eating monsters, it's probably best to stay human. For now.

Redheads

Famous redhead Conan O'Brien

Maybe I do understand redheads. I mean, I understand that red is a legit hair color. What I don't understand is where it comes from. There are many theories - recessive genes, hair of the gods, etc. It doesn't really matter. All that matters is that red hair is rumored to die out in the future. We need to save it now. My roommate, who is a ginger herself, could possibly mate with these people to prevent red hair from going extinct.

Danny Bonaduce
Kathy Griffin
Lindsay Lohan
Debra Messing
Ron Howard
Molly Ringwald
Seth Green

There are indeed many others, but these are my top picks. And to my roommate, who is probably protesting my choices, I implore you to do your part. Save the world by having babies. Thanks.

Why People Dye Their Hair to Match Their Skin Color

Yes Jessica Alba, I'm talking to you.

This one I really don't understand. Why dye your hair a color that's similar to your skin color? In my opinion, it just kind of makes you look washed out. (Lindsay, I hope you're taking note. Go back to being a redhead please.) In any case, I don't really have anything witty to say about this one. I'm just genuinely confused.

Why Couples Work Out Together

There are probably several good reasons as to why couples would work out together. You get a sense of bonding, you're both getting exercise, you both like to exercise. Whatever. Unless your significant other is forcing you to work out together (in which case you should really reconsider your relationship), I don't see the point.

See, when I work out, I look like 1) a hurricane has hit me, and 2) I was living in the wilderness for three days before that. Yeah, it's that bad. My hair gets all tangled, my face adopts a permanent grimace, and I limp like I've been caught in a bear trap. How would this be appealing to a boyfriend? When people say, "Oh, he'll still love you, even at your worst," they're just being nice. They've never seen the horror that is me in a gym. Hopefully they never will. And, thankfully, neither will he.

Why Pumpkin Flavored Things Aren't Year-Round

Pumpkin Spice Latte

Ok, so I guess I do understand why pumpkin flavored things are seasonal. Pumpkins are harvested in the fall. They're associated with the holidays, and having them all year just wouldn't make them special anymore. Even if they're not special though, they would still be extremely delicious. I bought pumpkin flavored Hershey's Kisses the other week - I honestly think they'd serve those in heaven (this assumes, however, that I'm going to heaven...let's just say it's probably best for me to enjoy these pumpkin kisses while I can).

Besides pumpkin lattes and pumpkin kisses, people should make pumpkin pie and pumpkin-shaped Reese's peanut butter cups all year round. I can just imagine how delicious our years would be.

How You Can Have a Camel Toe in Jeans

While prowling the urban jungles of America, you may be blessed to see a very rare specimen: the camel toe in jeans. I personally have been "fortunate" enough to witness this sight on several occasions. And after all sightings, I have been left wondering just what it was I saw.

It is quite possible to have a camel toe wearing other types of material; spandex, for one, is pretty unforgiving, and camel toes are pretty much inevitable if you decide to wear a spandex jumpsuit. Denim, however, should never fall prey to the camel toe. Denim is non-conforming, it's bulky, it should never be so tight that a camel toe can form. Camel toes in jeans pretty much defy all kinds of rules...rules that should never ever be broken.

So just imagine my horror at seeing a camel toe in jeans walking my way. No really, imagine it. And then, once the image has been seared into your brain, never let it happen to you.

Why Lindsay Lohan Doesn't Get Her Life Back on Track

Ooh girl, I don't even know where to begin. As much as I love Lindsay, she needs to get her life back on track, asap. Has she looked in a mirror recently? Or in, like, the last 5 years? The blonde hair just isn't cutting it, and neither is the collagen. I know the old Lindsay is in there somewhere, underneath the fake tan and sequins. If you can hear me, Lindsay, come out, because we miss you :(

Ultimate Frisbee

Maybe it's just me, but I don't see how ultimate frisbee is fun. It's like playing catch, except you have to run more, and it's not as easy. It can be boring to watch. And, since I'm liable to get hit in the face if I stand too close, it's also dangerous. People seem to enjoy it though. So I guess there are pros and cons, even if I don't understand it.

Pro: One of the few instances in which visors are acceptable; you could possibly get a tan

Con: I might make fun of you

Your choice.

The Duggars

The Duggars (minus a few)

I may not understand them, but I love them. How can you not love a family that has 18 children and one on the way? Jesus! And by "Jesus," I mean yes, they also love Jesus. They've got good family morals, a super awesome house, and they once got to sing with Dolly Parton. I am officially jealous. I may not understand why you'd want 19 children, but if that's your thing, then go for it. And if it makes for quality TV programming, then all the better. I'm hoping they adopt me so I can be Duggar #20, Jamallory. Ah, if only.

Wholphins

Wholphin (center)

Wow, look at that wholphin. See how much bigger it is than those other, non-hybrid dolphins? And so much more graceful too. Too bad it's all a lie. Wholphins are still dolphins, despite what I used to think. A wholphin is a bottlenose dolphin + a false killer whale, which is actually another type of dolphin. So it's still....dolphin. How confusing! I feel betrayed.

What's worse is that this wholphin had a baby with a bottlenose dolphin, making its baby 3/4 bottlenose and 1/4 false killer whale.

This is just getting ridiculous.