How Crayon Colors Get Their Names

If you ever got to the 64-pack of Crayola crayons, you know what I'm talking about. Where does Crayola come up with "Purple Mountain's Majesty" or "Tickle Me Pink"? Cute, but not very descriptive. Or maybe too descriptive to be helpful, I'm not sure which. In any case, did you know that there are other, more ridiculous color names? Here are a few of my favorites:

Antique Brass - you know, for old people that still like to color.

Banana Mania - this is the color of the inside of a banana, not the outside. Confusing, I know.

Beaver - wait, what?

Bittersweet - a pinkish color. This name isn't helpful at all, and frankly, it's a little depressing.

Inchworm - a greenish color. Gross.

Outer Space - color reminiscent of a black hole. Oh wait, then that'd be the color BLACK.

Ok ok I think you get my point. These color names may be confusing, but they're still fun. I'd like to be the person that comes up with these. I know I could think of something more descriptive than "Neon Carrot".

Abbrevs (aka abbreviations)

Sometimes I think abbrevs are defs totes ridic. Mayb they're useful, but obv they're hard to read, esp if you're over 40 years old or if you understand proper English. I get where abbrevs came from (I'm looking at you, internet), but I don't understand why they sometimes make life more difficult than it should be. Case in point, a story about misinterpreted abbrevs (btdubs, this is my fave):

My dad once got an email from a coworker that ended with LOL. Not knowing what it meant, he interpreted it as "lots of love." So the next time he emailed his coworker, he wrote "hugs and kisses." The guy never emailed him back.

That was totes adorbs. But in the future, let's try not to let these things happen again, for everyone's sake. Thx.

Procrastination

With finals coming up, it's really easy to procrastinate. Work piles up, and there's little hope of finishing everything you have to do. As one of my friends put it, the best way to deal with a lot of work is to not do it. I agree. Unfortunately, this plan of action may result in lower grades, lower self-esteem, and increased disappointment from your Asian parents.

I'm not here to tell you how to get more work done, because I have no idea how to do that. And honestly, sometimes doing work is boring. Instead, I present to you some of my favorite procrastination methods:

Facebook stalking - can't go wrong with this one. Spend hours looking at pictures of people who are more attractive than you, and homework will soon be the least of your worries.

Drinking - preferably early in the day. Happy hour starts when you say it does.

Learning a trade, such as quilting - if you're gonna learn something that's not homework related, at least make it life related.

Exercising - some people enjoy this.

Watching tv online - more people enjoy this.

Hanging out with friends - is it bad that this is the last thing on my list?

Whatever you choose to do, have fun with it. I know I do. My quilting skills have improved considerably upon coming to college.

BINGHAMTON, NY

Why People Have Irrational Fears

I hate to say it, but this woman's irrational fear of cotton balls is hilarious. Debilitating, yes. Ridiculous, double yes. But why do people have irrational fears anyway?

I'll admit that I have my own share of irrational fears. I can't get close to lizards/salamanders/waterdogs or I will run in the opposite direction. And if you know me, then anything that actually gets me to run is a pretty strong force. (Don't know what a waterdog is? It's a juvenile salamander. Go look it up. I won't do it for you, because I'll barf if I see a picture of one.) This fear is completely irrational too, as I am much larger than a lizard. What could a lizard do to me? It could lick me, that's what. Anyway, I have friends with other irrational fears, like spiders, holes, and barnacles. But not all at the same time, thankfully.

Until I solve the mystery of what creates an irrational fear, I'll just have to deal with mine. This means avoiding the reptile house at zoos, not reading books about lizards, and not visiting the desert anytime soon. Can do.

Oh and by the way, here's the most disgusting picture of a waterdog I've ever seen. Don't say I didn't warn you.


CLICK ME IF YOU DARE!

There are a lot of things I could talk about in this picture, but I'll spare you the commentary. I just think it's funny.

Tilt-Shift Photography

Vincent Laforet

Aww, look at those cute little airplanes. Did he make those himself? Actually, they're real airplanes, and this is a real picture. This is an example of tilt-shift photography. Maybe you've heard of it, but if you're like me, and live in a bubble consisting of homework and celebrity gossip, then maybe you haven't.

I don't understand how tilt-shift photography works, but it's really cool. Everything looks like a miniature scene, but everything is real. Mind-blowing!! Click the link for more.

50 Beautiful Examples of Tilt-Shift Photography

Why Resumes Have To Be So Professional

I have a lot of friends who are worried about getting jobs. They have to worry about finding the right company, interviews, and, importantly, their resumes. But why do resumes have to be so dry and professional? Often they don't tell a lot or enough about you. My friend once said that if she put her real interests on a resume, it would read "Britney Spears, drinking, and shopping." In honor of her, and for all of those out there who are looking for jobs and stressing over resumes, I present a resume that shows the real me.

Name: Mallory aka Mal Pal aka Mallorian aka Moosh (like mushu pork...really, this is a nickname my dad gave me)

Objective: To be hired in your company and make lots of money.

Education: was expensive.

Experience: When I meditated on the summit of Mt. Everest and contemplated my existence. That was probably my favorite experience ever.

Skills: Tanning, celebrity knowledge, and dusting. I'm really good at dusting things.

Interests: Drinking, lying down (I'm too lazy to sit up, even as I type this), and judging people.

Now who wants to hire me?! Don't everyone raise their hands at once.

Why People Don't Plan Their Own Funerals

Death is a touchy subject. A lot of people don't want to think about it, which is why many don't give a lot of thought to their own funerals. Should I, however, die an untimely death (knock on wood), I'm at least going to go out with a bang. If my funeral is the last thing I do on earth, then you know it's gonna be good. Below are explicit instructions for my funeral.

1. My sister must put an "In loving memory of..." sticker on her sleek, racing-type car. It will say "In loving memory of Mallory"...in Comic Sans font. Hahaha.

2. During the funeral, there will be an open bar.

3. My grandmother will do a dramatic reading of Ke$ha's "Tik Tok." My favorite part (were I alive to see this) would be when she says "errybody gettin' crunk/boys tryin' to touch my junk/I'm gonna smack him if he's gettin' too drunk." It will be hilarious.

4. A children's choir will sing "Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar. Because love really is a battlefield, and I don't want you to forget it just because I died. And, if it's not too expensive, I would like an accompanying sign language dance. This will be the part of the funeral where everyone starts crying.

5. I would like to be buried wearing something summery and light. Cause you know it's gonna be hot where I end up...

And that's it. Not too much to ask, right? I hope you're now thinking about your own funerals (but not in a creepy way).

People Who Have No Volume Control

There are several people I know whose picture I could post here, and all of those people HAVE NO VOLUME CONTROL. And I love it. I may not understand it, but I love it.

When I was a kid, I learned about "inside voices" and "outside voices." You use your quieter inside voice when you're inside a building, and you use your outside voice on the playground, where you are less likely to damage someone's eardrums by yelling. Unfortunately, some people never learned about the inside voice part and instead (to this day) have only one volume when speaking: loud.

Usually this isn't a problem. But sometimes it is. For example, job interviews don't go so well when you think it is SO NICE TO MEET the interviewer. Or when that girl you don't like sits nearby, and OMG COULD HER SHIRT BE ANY SMALLER I THINK SHE BOUGHT THAT FROM BABY GAP. Or when your mom drops you off at school and BYE HONEY MAKE NEW FRIENDS DON'T BE SO ANTISOCIAL TODAY. These things should be said much quieter for a better effect.

That being said, though, I think it is highly amusing (though sometimes very embarrassing) to have friends with no volume control. It helps when you're talking to people that are hard of hearing. It helps when you're talking in noisy areas. It helps when your intended listener is fashionably challenged, or, unfortunately, antisocial. We get the hint - just a little louder than intended.

Why I'm Not "Friends" With This Girl: Ellie Kemper

Ellie Kemper

You may be wondering why I titled this post "Why I'm Not 'Friends' With This Girl: Ellie Kemper." Why the quotation marks around the word "friends"? Does this imply that you wouldn't actually be friends with her?

Yes, it does imply that. Because in order for me to befriend her, it would involve stalking her and forcing her to participate in mostly one-sided conversations with me. Is that what friends do? (No really, is it? Because now I'm not sure how many actual "friends" I have.)

For evidence of Ellie Kemper's humor, and evidence that she would, indeed, laugh at my jokes (in this hypothetical world I live in), please see the links below. And if Ellie Kemper is reading this right now, please call me up so I don't have to stalk you. I'll treat you to lunch and even let you get a word in from time to time. That's what friends do.

No-Stress, Low-Fuss, Hassle-Free Summertime Recipes for the Confident, Independent, Self-Sufficient Gal on the Go.

Some Relatively Recent College Grads Discuss Their Maids.

Derrick Comedy: Blowjob Girl

Why More Songs Don't Start With the Sound of Shattering Glass

Go listen to that song, because Billy Joel got it right. Why don't more songs start with the sound of shattering glass? That sound is awesome! It seems to say "hey you, take me seriously." And indeed I do. The song screams 80s, but it also screams fun, intensity, and a certain amount of tackiness that is just right. Here are some songs that I think could be improved with an introductory sound of shattering glass:

Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go On
Is the shattering glass the sound of windows breaking as the Titanic sinks? No, it's the sound of a power ballad. You better listen.

Danity Kane - Damaged
How do you make a bad song better? By adding shattered glass.

A-ha - Take On Me
The sound of shattering glass is actually the sound of your eardrums bursting, because you are now listening to the greatest song ever. End of story.

Why People Have Alter Egos

I don't understand why people have alter egos. Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana, Beyonce/Sasha Fierce, Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines. (Do you remember that? Garth Brooks as Chris Gaines...what a hot mess. But that's a blog post for another time.) Anyway, it seems unnecessary to have an alter ego. It makes sense for superheroes, but not for ordinary people. For ordinary people, that's just called schizophrenia. But I guess celebrities are in between ordinary citizens and superheroes, so they get these special privileges.

For Beyonce, it's about losing inhibition and becoming a fierce on-stage performer. If I had an alter ego, I'd want to be fierce too. Then maybe I would automatically know how to dance, cause right now, doing the Running Man just isn't attracting the right kind of guys.

At the same time, I would want to be like Clark Kent, who, when his alter ego Superman comes out, gets to wear tights. How awesome would it be to wear a skintight outfit with a cape in broad daylight, without being judged? It would be really awesome, that's what.

I guess when it comes down to it, ordinary people shouldn't have alter egos. They probably can't handle the responsibility that comes with it. I, for one, would want to be a fierce dancing stage performer who wears skintight outfits and is loved while doing so. Oh wait, I think my alter ego is Lady Gaga.

How I Lived Before Tina Fey

Dear Tina Fey,

I don't understand how I ever lived without you. I don't remember laughing before you came along, and if I did, it was probably a dry, hoarse laugh that caused me physical pain. Thank you for being funny and curing me of it - I guess laughter really is the best medicine. (I'm sorry if that last sentence made you want to vomit. It made me want to vomit a little too.) Anyway, I wanted to thank you for being the most lovable nerd ever, and for making me question my sexuality because I have a girl-crush on you. I can't tell if I want to be you or if I want to be with you. And with that, my letter has turned from heartfelt to mildly obsessed. I'll stop before it gets any worse. In conclusion, please keep being funny, and I'll continue to stay at least 200 feet away from you at all times.

All my love,
Mallory

Denim on Denim Outfits

Britney and Justin in better? worse? times

Oh 1990s, look what you did to us. You made us wear denim on denim outfits. And it was so mean of you. I must admit I don't understand the appeal of outfits like this, and I hope you don't either. Thank goodness this trend died out.

Or did it? Why, in this day and age, do some people still insist on wearing denim on denim outfits? Maybe they don't go so far as to wear a denim cowboy hat, but a denim jacket over jeans is still pretty close. Especially light-wash denim. God forbid you bust out the light-wash denim!

I think our resolution for next year, and all subsequent years, should be to remove all denim on denim outfits from existence. In 2010, resist the urge to match your new jeans with your favorite denim jacket. After all, that was so 1999.

Where Dove Chocolates Get Their Sayings From

You know how Dove Promises candies have sayings on the inside of the wrapper? Like on Valentine's Day, they have cute or romantic sayings that just make you go "aww!" Well I found out that they also have sayings on the fall edition of Dove Promises. And they don't make you go "aww." They're more like "what?"

A sample of the ones I got recently:

"Fly kites in an azure blue sky."

"The wind tells a story, listen."

Are there tears in your eyes yet? What the heck is this! Are we in Pocahontas? Are these supposed to brighten my day? I'm so confused. Dove, if you really want to make fall edition sayings, maybe you should try these:

"Who doesn't love pumpkins!"

"Those leaves aren't going to rake themselves..."

"Bitch, stop eating. It's not time to hibernate yet."

On second thought, maybe Dove's sayings are ok. At least they're not offensive.

Why Winking Is Considered Attractive

Winking, when done correctly, can be flirtatious and attractive. Look at Lindsay, pre-fame/drugs/everything else. She's so cute! And she's winking! But how did winking ever come to be considered attractive in the first place?

If you think about it, winking is sort of like a facial tic. And put in those terms, it doesn't sound so appealing. A wink is very brief, easy to miss, and it's not even necessary for our survival. Blinking is necessary, but winking is not. And, when done incorrectly, winks can lead to a whole hot mess. I have a friend who, when not winking, is super cute. But when she winks...gurrl that's another story. As much as she tries, her face takes on the funniest shape, and it is the last thing from sexy that I've ever seen.

So if you still choose to wink, go for it. Especially if you can do it well. If not, then maybe you should just stick to blinking ;)

Why You Would Think To Eat A Crab

Look at this thing. If you saw it crawling around in the sand, with its ferocious claws, hard exoskeleton, and beady little eyes, you wouldn't think to approach it. Much less eat it. But yet that's what many people around the world do. And I don't understand why.

Don't get me wrong, crab is delicious. And unless you're like my sister, who is allergic to crab, and in which case I must say I'm sorry for your loss, you probably enjoy eating it. But it just weirds me out that someone would think to eat it in the first place. It's sort of frightening, really.

In any case, what's done is done. Crab isn't scary, and it's tasty. So the next time you're enjoying your crab, possibly wearing a bib, take a moment to think about those first brave souls who discovered that crab was edible. They were pretty fucking fantastic people. And then dig in.

Tom Hanks

aka Tom Mothafuckin Hanks

I don't understand why Tom Hanks is so awesome. He's not your typical Hollywood celebrity, but he's still famous. He's not extremely good-looking, he's not radical in his political views, and he doesn't spend his money on an airplane just so he can name it "Tom Hanks Jr." (Unrelatedly, if I had the money, I'd buy an airplane and name it "Tom Hanks Jr.") And yet, despite his seeming average-ness, he makes consistently good movies, and he is loved by all. In my mind, that totally fulfills some of the requirements for being the second coming of Christ.

But that's beside the point. Tom Hanks is awesome, and there's no avoiding it. One day I will watch a Tom Hanks movie marathon. I think I'm willing to risk having my eyes fall out of my head - whether it's from watching a tv screen for that long, or from crying while watching Tom fall in love with Meg Ryan for the third time. Either way, it'll be worth it. So to Mr. Hanks, I say thank you for making such quality films. Thank you for being awesome. Please continue, as I know I, and many others, will always be watching.

Why People Have Bad Eyebrows

I'd rather not post a picture for this one, just because I don't want to scare you. If you search "bad eyebrows" on Google, you get way more than you bargained for. It seems like a lot of people have bad eyebrows. However, far more people don't quite understand why the pluck this happens.

I also don't know why this happens. Maybe you had a mishap with a tweezers, or possibly a hundred of them, leaving you with nonexistent eyebrows. Or maybe you think that eyebrows shaped like rainbows are a good look for you. Maybe you're going for a drag queen effect (not a valid reason, since many drag queens have perfectly nice eyebrows). In any case, it'd be nice if it stopped some time soon. The problem really is hair-raising.

For everyone's sake, please get to a salon, stat. I promise that if you fix your eyebrows, I'll stop making puns. It's really not tweezy to think of these.